Anyone who knows me, knows this about me… but I’ve yet to write about it. I have a problem… with iPhones. I love them, I live for them, they complete me and bring me so much happiness. It’s my best friend. I’m fucking garbage though and don’t appreciate them or treat them right. I’m an iPhone Destroyer.
I’ve been hooked since I tried the first generation. That heavy, silver back, 8gig, piece of the future in my hands, I loved it so much right from the beginning. The original iPhone lasted me about 2 years. It was durable, nothing wrong with it just when the 3GS came out around my 21st Birthday what better gift from a sober boyfriend. Sooo much better than a shitty Rum-Bucket. Thank god. It was such an improvement from the 1st gen. Unfortunately, even without the Rum-bucket, destruction began. And within a year, I had destroyed an iPhone for the first time. Typical… was fucked up, I won’t get into specifics. But since I am QUEEN of Tightest Pants ever, and tight pants always have crappy small pockets that fit nothing expect condoms… if your classy. Can’t say I am all the time. I just love the feeling of my iPhone right there in my back pocket, its comforting. I like my iPhones unprotected as well, usually without a case or just cute looking one that provides no protection. So, I go to take a piss, I pull my pants down and it propels into the toilet. I immediately fish it out… yes with my hand you fucking prude. I’ve come into contact with way worse than toilet water. The screen read, “This Accessory Is Not Compatible With The iPhone.” Good to know. I tried turning it on and off and pressing the home button crazily in panic. Not a good idea, it was fucked. My ex gave me his old 3G, and I used that until I water damaged it as well. Also in a toilet, similar situation. And by that time… months later, the 3GS had obviously dried out. So I started using that one again. Back to new… sort of. The rice trick. It works. Every iPhone user needs to know what to do in a water damage situation. Put it directly in UNCOOKED (duh) rice, don’t press anything and let the battery die on its own. Leave it for a few days, uncovered if you can. The 2nd one, I water damaged, the 3G came back to life using that method as well, but I didn’t need it cause IPHONE 4 CAME OUT! Whaaaaat!!
It was so much greater than the ones before. It was amazing, FaceTime was is the future in my hands, all over again. I’ve used it a total of twice in my life… but that’s beside the point. First day, I got a big deep gash in the screen from my keys. I’m such an ass, hardly anyone had it yet and mine was already cut up. Also within 48hrs of getting brand new iPhone 4, I lost it in the park. Luckily, I was a creep sitting in a dark shadowy spot, so it was still there when I went back.
I am a constant dropper. I drop my phone continuously cause I’m always fucking touching it. 50% of my entire life is spent swinging my phone around, dropping it, checking it, losing it, or using apps. 45% is spent freaking out-looking for it. And 5% is spent taking dumps. Thats me- simplified, sucks that you read all this and thats what it comes down to… I’m an iPhone addict and a shit-machine. So less than a year into my iPhone 4 the lock button randomly broke. Not my fault that time. I lived a few blocks from the 5th Ave Apple Store, it happened around 2am, and within an hour I was walking back home with a brand new one. Incredible. I decided to keep the ugly clear cover thats on it when you buy it, since last time it got scratched right away.
My 2nd iPhone 4 came into my life when I was bar tending. There I am again, with tight pants with their tight shitty pockets. And my phone goes missing, I was panicking for hours but it was so busy and we were so understaffed I had to keep working and couldn’t look for it. I was hung over by this point, it was a 14hr Sunday shift, I was wasted at brunch and was progressively worse by dinner.. finally the bar back was taking our garbage and I was like “nooo, please, you can’t!” And so he’s like “UM call it?” and he held the can and it vibrated. So i retrieved it, with my hands. Bare. Because apparently thats the underlying theme here. But it was disgusting bar mess, sitting in undrank drinks, melted ice, napkins with peoples spit, squeezed garnishes, basically anything that you can imagine getting thrown away at a bar. And my phone sitting in it for 3+ hours. Since it was a restaurant, as well I got a container of rice right away. And within a few days, back to new! It lasted me almost another year… until on sept 11th….. A devastating day.
On the 10 yr anniversary of Sept 11th was also my friends baby shower… but only because it was cancelled from the “hurricane….” Irene, I think… right? What an awful name for a hurricane, no wonder it was so shitty. In the years to come, with all these new-age names, I’m afraid of the names of hurricanes that will come. “Azealia,” “Zuly,” “Tanisha,” all these exotic and black names, they are gonna sound really bad-ass and probably tear shit up, like El Nino. Anyway, I fucking shit faced at the baby shower and did my signature move of going to pee and pulling my pants down with it in my back pocket. And lost another. It was basically my THING. Like some people have good one liners, I was just damaging iPhones left and right cause… shit what else am I gonna stress about… not like I didn’t go through huge life changes, went through a break up, moved several times, and started pursing a career in film in that time. I guess I liked this problem. But this time, after Sept 11th it would not recover, it was devastating. I did not forget. I learned a lesson that day, they won’t always make it. Within a few days the 4S came out, and I decided to pass. Best iPhone yet, I don’t doubt it… but I needed to punish myself. I can’t keep up this behavior any longer. Adding another to my iPhone graveyard, a perfectly healthy looking phone on the outside but inside was ruined.
I had to switch back to my old beat up 3GS, The home button was a still a little stuck but worked, and I have been using that for a year up until a couple weeks ago. I had a really busy day, I was walking in a fashion show and I was on a bus, this old chinese lady with a mohawk was posing for pics for me. I snapped a few shots of her to instagram later and I hit current location to see how far until I had to get off the bus. And it went into some vicious loop. Pinwheeling… then would shut off, come back on, The Apple would sit there, then it started over again. It was so hot, I let it kill itself… then charged it during hair and make-up but I knew… it was the end, it died right in my arms.
Luckily, yet again in this story…. that old shitty 3G had been waiting for me. Knowing I’d come back. And here I am, using a 3G which is barely compatible any apps. It’s so slow that I’m actually afraid to use it for anything aside from texting. It’s from before multiple apps running at the same time existed… pre-flash, and not compatible with new software, which means, I can’t get any of my contacts from iCloud or anything. It was totally wiped out and I’m starting from scratch, I have like 20 phone numbers, hardly any apps cuz the battery life is awful. Just super basic, counting down the days. I lost all my notes, and writings which made me sick but I deserved it… what type of writer am I, I’ve got 2 unfinished scripts and an iPhone full of notes. I still have 2 unfinished scripts… but I do not have an iPhone full of notes… no, This fucking sucks still.
Now in the dawn of the iPhone 5, I look back and there’s only 1 iPhone I didn’t destroy… and its the first one. I do think they have gotten less durable each generation but thats irrelevant by this level of neglect. Also, its the only one I’ve paid for with my own money. So thats the first plan, I’m paying for this one… well, not that I have a choice. But I’m working my ass off for it, so I’ll appreciate it more. Or so I hope… But what I think will really make me change is the punishment of not having all the features that I long for. I’ve never even used Siri. Its sad, I am not experience iPhones to any potential. I’m living in the past…! I can’t do this any longer. I need to move forward. And here I am… still… They said Sept 12th is the pre-order date… and today on September 11th, I celebrate my patriotism by reloading the apple home page obsessively. Waiting….
Writing this to kill time. Refresh. Nothing still.
Ok, I’ll agree… Apple is a Cult. But so is Alcoholics Anonymous, its not like all cults are bad. Plus, it beats using PC.